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The schedule for the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. highlights a playful bilingual production and an improvised theatrical troupe. Notably absent from the advertised events is this week's FIFA World Cup draw, likely because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Organizers likely want to keep out any uninvited attendees from showing up at what promises to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing procession where well-paid dignitaries will undoubtedly parrot the old platitude that "football unites the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

This glitzy ceremony is set to be emceed by former model and TV host Heidi Klum and diminutive US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the celebrity roster will be gridiron icon Eli Manning on red-carpet duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have British football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Set to last the thick end of three long hours, the event will include a lengthy agenda of speechifying, overly sentimental highlight reels, approved gags, famous faces, performances from artists with either no embarrassment or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Draw Detail

Included in those tasked with carrying out the ceremony? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of charisma possessed by these veteran sporting icons, short of an uniformed security team crashing the ceremony, it's difficult to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any sort of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was non-committal. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion appeared that high prices are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end goods.

The Football Business

With 42 countries already qualified for next year's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a real feeling of excitement once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw gets under way. But as fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the initial phase, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever award for peace for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and notable deeds." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the US, guesses about the recipient are ripe, though the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a real transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager with a team on a five-game losing streak, offering a textbook quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when changes occur down the line.

Fan Correspondence

• "Further to the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, requiring an encore?"